Been Waiting a Long Time for This

Before I get started, I'd like to reference this post by Wowmartiean, "The Reason I am here. Living the "Why Not Life".

It was his post, and the subsequent twitter conversation, posted below for your viewing pleasure, that have ultimately brought this one into being.

There is a lot about myself that I don't share with anyone. That's not to say I don't want to, I just happen to be a very cautious person. I tend to over think things and ultimately I think I turn down or talk myself out of a lot of opportunities because of it. I have always asked myself "why", when I should have said "why not."

I cannot tell you how many times I thought about starting this blog and stopped myself asking, "why would anyone read it?" "Why would I want to put myself out there? Why, when I am just going to be rejected in the end?"

I think fear of rejection is ultimately what motivates my constant second-guessing. Even now, I'm questioning "Why am I writing this?" Because I have to, because if I don't, that fear will always be there.

In the spirit of embracing the "why not" lifestyle, if only for a moment, I have something that I would like to share with you, all of you dear internet. It is way overdue, I just never had the courage before, and I need to put it out there now before I lose my nerve.

You should know, that when I was a child, all I ever wanted to be was an artist. I spent hours upon hours drawing, colouring, painting etc. My parents were, and have always been supportive of me but I'm sure you know how it is when you get older. Things you wanted in childhood get abandoned for more practical pursuits. As I grew up, I learned that it was neigh impossible to be successful and be an artist lest you have oodles of natural talent and likely some form of professional training/guidance. I'll let you know that while I feel I have a smattering of natural ability,  it's not enough and it definitely hasn't been cultivated into much.

My art became something deeply personal. It was something I hid from people unless they found me out. Even Cy, didn't know I drew until a year into our relationship and I didn't tell him. He found my doodles, hidden away in the middle of a binder filled with otherwise blank paper. It's not something I share anymore, because I've told myself I'm not good at it enough that I've come to believe that, and because I feel like one ought to be good at something to share it with other people.

So, in light of today's events, I'd like to post my latest picture, and open myself up to the potential fallout. Am I scared? Sure am, but if not now, when?

I'd like to thank both Cy, for encouraging me to post this when I was having second thoughts, and Wowmartiean for inspiring me to try in the first place.

LFD: Confessions of a Cranky Healer

I have a confession to make.

I am not always a good healer, and by that I mean a well behaved healer. Sometimes, I let asshats get to me. Sometimes, I get a little cranky. Sometimes, I misbehave.

Don't get me wrong, I love healing, It's the only role I slide into comfortably, the way one might slip into a pair of old jeans, the kind you've owned for years that are well broken in and maybe just a little too loose. I get anxious holding aggro, and I've never been good at holding a good rotation while paying attention to game mechanics the way that a dps role demands. I can; however, keep the people who choose to play those roles alive. As much as I love healing, I just don't love healing jerks or idiots, or morons.

Sometimes, I punish them.

It's not usually something that's spoken. I'm not very confrontational, nor do I think that words have as much meaning as actions.

Sometimes, if someone is enough of a jerk, I won't heal them. Not at all. Not for the rest of the instance.

Now, to be fair, I never do that to the tank. Letting the tank die on purpose is wrong, that's punishing the whole group over one asshat. If the tank is a douche bag, I usually just eat the dungeon cooldown.

I confess, that if you're a DPS, and you pull on purpose, I let you die. If you say something offensive, or are outright mean to another party member, you don't get heals. If you're a warlock using "Dark Apotheosis" you don't get heals until you turn it off. In low level dungeons, if you roll "need' on gear you can't use, you don't get heals.

The good news is that usually nobody notices my bad behavior, and there's usually someone else in the group who resurrects people that I refuse to acknowledge. 

I know that it's petty. Really, I do. I'm not proud of my behavior.

Feels better to get that off my chest though.